Recap of the latest mishap: Jane and Mike are on the flight to Ohio, getting ready to meet Olivia at the airport. Mike is dealing with a troll of a passenger and desperately trying to figure out how the hell he's going to pull the reality television show together. Jane's just full of valium.
Mike unbuckled his seat belt once the lit sign went dark and nudged Jane with his elbow.
Mike unbuckled his seat belt once the lit sign went dark and nudged Jane with his elbow.
“Boozing Beauty, we’re here. We’re in Ohio,” he said, stretching his back as much as he could in the close quarters.
To his left, was the Muppet, who had randomly passed out in the middle of knitting whatever she was knitting. Her head was tilted back on a cushion of hair that looked like a bird’s nest made of wires and straw and her mouth hung open in a disapproving “o” shape. It wasn’t hard to see that the Muppet shunned modern dentistry – three teeth had been lost somewhere in her life’s journey and the others were looking like the Indian corn Mike’s wife hung on the front door for Thanksgiving.
Mike smiled to himself as he realized he could nudge the Muppet and it wouldn’t be able to complain. After all, he was doing it a service. The plane had landed and it was important that everyone begin to unload. With the sharpest elbow shape he could make, he pounded into her cake-like flesh.
She croaked, or burped, then coughed as she came around, and started collecting her knitting supplies and stuffing them in a bag. Jane was coming into the land of consciousness as well.
“That wasn’t a bad flight,” Jane offered, stretching. “I actually feel pretty good. That nap was what I needed.” She looked at Mike. “You, on the other hand, look like shit. Didn’t you sleep?”
Mike shook his head and waited for the Muppet to waddle out of his way before he reached up to get the carry-on luggage.
“We’re going to need to start filming, like right away,” he said. He had spent most of the flight attempting to schedule out various shots but until he could read the email his wife was sending him about wedding preparation or in the very least talk to Olivia to see what she was planning to do, scheduling was a waste of time.
“That’s fine,” Jane shrugged as they walked out of the plane together. “It’s still kind of early -we could probably even shoot some of the store scenes tonight.”
“At the very least, I can shoot Olivia at home, talking about how challenging all of this preparation is going to be, how she met her husband, why they need to married so quickly. I can shoot the house, her kid… lots of good B roll if we can’t get into the stores.”
“Well hold your horses there, friend,” Jane said. “I just need to get into hair and make-up and then you should start interviewing me. Let’s not forget whose show this really is. Ask me questions about maid of honor stuff – toasts, and being supportive and all that shit. Oh! Ask me about the bachelorette party. That’s good!”
“Is she even going to have a bachelorette party?” Mike asked. He scanned the crowded airport for Olivia’s familiar blond bob haircut. “You have such a short window of time. And on top of that, it’s not like Olivia’s young and crazy anymore. She’s already been married once, she’s got a kid. She might not be up for boozing.”
“Everyone is always up for boozing,” Jane dismissed him. “So is hair and make-up coming to Olivia’s house? What’s the deal?”
“We don’t have hair and make-up, Jane. On such short notice, we’re lucky we have all the components of a basic crew. You’re on your own for hair and make-up.”
Jane squawked and smacked Mike’s arm. “I cannot do my own make-up. That’s ridiculous.”
“Shut up. Act normal, Queen of Ugly. There’s Olivia,” Mike said.
The cute, petite blond had spotted them from afar and was making her way towards them with her three year-old son on her hip. Dressed in a peach top, jeans and high heels, she looked like the perfect homeroom yummy mommy.
“Hi you two!” she cried, reaching out her one free arm for hugs. They all embraced and Olivia stood back to introduce the kid.
“Jane, Mike, this is Dougie. You guys haven’t seen him for a long time. Not since he was brand new,” Olivia said. Dougie took one look at the two flight-weary travelers and hid in his mom’s shoulder.
“Still a little shy,” Olivia mouthed. “Well come on, let’s get your luggage and get you to the car. You haven’t started filming me, right Mike?
“No darling,” Mike assured her. “I’ll always let you know.”
Jane was pulling up the rear as their party walked towards to the luggage conveyor belt when she felt a sudden twist in her gut. She kept walking, but soon there was another stab of insistence and Jane began to vaguely remember taking laxatives earlier in the day.
“Oh dear God,” she mumbled to herself. “Hey guys, I’m just going to visit the ladies’ room real quick. Be right there.”
Jane casually walked towards the restroom. Once in, she was all business. There was a line of four women, all waiting to use the facilities. One stall opened up just as Jane entered. She dove for it and was about to slam the door to the stall behind her when two tan hands grabbed it open. A tall, fit woman who might have been a fitness model glared at her.
“There’s a line, in case you missed it,” she told Jane, her brown eyes narrowing.
“I know, I just… I just have to go really badly,” Jane pleaded. Her stomach was now going crazy with cramps and gurgles. “I just…need to go. Like emergency go.”
“We all need to use the bathroom room, lady,” the woman said. “But we’re all waiting our turn. And so should you.”
Jane thought fast and produced a quick and dirty lie. “Look, I’m sorry. I’m pregnant. With twins. Maybe even triplets. There could be another person floating around in there, somewhere. Behind my liver or something. Super high risk pregnancy. I just need to take care of myself.”
The woman’s face softened for just a moment and Jane seized the opportunity to slam the door shut and whip down her pants.
Once she finished, Jane quietly exited the restrooms, hoping no one would notice her. Mike and Olivia stood outside. Dougie was playing at Olivia’s ankles.
“Ready to go,” Jane announced and even grabbed a carry-on to show her team spirit. Olivia grabbed Dougie up and once again they were headed for the car when an ancient-looking woman with blue hair made her way over to Jane and made scolding noises.
“Shouldn’t be carrying anything so heavy,” she said to Jane, wagging a gnarled finger at her. “You’ve got to take care of those babies in your belly. Here, let Alice help you.”
Alice, who was using a cane and was most likely Methuzalah’s older sister, grabbed the carry-on from Jane and began carrying it for her. “So how far along are you? You’re pretty skinny. Those babies must be teeny-tiny. What have you been eating?”
This woman must have been in the restroom, Jane thought. Olivia and Mike stopped their conversation and looked at Alice, who was struggling beneath the heavy piece of luggage, and then to Jane.
“I’m about 13 weeks along?” Jane answered. “I come from a long line of really skinny people. And we have really skinny babies. That’s just how it is.”
“You’re pregnant, Jane?” Olivia demanded.
“Sort of,” Jane said. “Why don’t you ask Mike about it. I’m sure Mike will be able to talk about my pregnancy.”
“Is he the father?” Alice asked.
Mike rolled his eyes and shook his head, then turned around and continued walking. Olivia joined him.
“Um. Yes,” Jane said. A few more white lies couldn’t hurt. This woman was so old, she’d probably forget anything Jane said within a half hour anyway.
Alice quickened her pace until she was closer to Mike. With a swift swish of her cane, she knocked him upside his head. He hollered and dropped the luggage he was carrying and held his head in pain.
“What the hell?” he demanded. “What was that for, dammit?”
“That was for not helping your wife when she needs you the most, you dimwit,” Alice growled.
“We’re not married!” Mike yelled, picking up the luggage. Alice looked confused. Jane’s stomach lurched and she raced back to the public restroom.
“Carrying twins is hard on the body,” Alice said aloud to no one in particular. “No wonder that poor girl is so skinny. The morning sickness must be horrible when you carry twins. Stella Murphy, from Hillsview Street – she didn’t even KNOW she was carrying twins until the day they were born. They just both popped right out, lickity split. At least that girl knows what she’s getting into.”
There was a moment of silence as Alice drifted off somewhere.
Olivia turned to Mike. “So, Jane’s pregnant? I think she should cut back on the drinking…”
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