Recap of the latest mishap: After passing out in Mike’s office chair and waking up next to a tasty-looking executive producer, Jane’s luck begins to look up. Mike has come up with a reality TV show that will focus on Jane helping their friend Olivia plan and execute a wedding within five days. A small problem – Olivia has no idea about any of this.
Mike sat on Jane’s lumpy futon as she ran around her matchbox of an apartment, stuffing clothes, shoes, hair product, make-up into suitcases, and cursing them when they refused to fit. Then beating them into submission until they did.
“You!” she screamed from a bedroom that could have been mistaken as a closet. “You will fit in there, you dumbass blow dryer. I’m going to burn you with your friend the curling iron. How would you like to be melted?”
“Stop threatening the appliances, they don’t respond to hostility,” Mike called. “Is this futon the same one you had back at Emerson? Didn’t you and Tommy Black have sex on this futon?”
“I had sex with a lot of people on that futon,” Jane called back. “It’s like DNA soup in there.”
“Well, you’ve washed the cover at least, correct?” Mike asked, slowly getting up and walking away from the questionable convertible couch. “It’s been ten years since this baby has seen the inside of a dorm.”
“Yeah, but you can only wash the covers, you know?” Jane explained as she walked across the room and threw down two huge bags in front to the door. “And if I was going to get some – I was going to get some. Futon cover or no futon cover.” She opened a nearby closet and began throwing boxes of laxatives, motion sickness prevention pills, prescription pills, birth control, condoms and nips of liquor into a carry-on.
“Holy shit, it’s like a drug store in there,” Mike commented. They had already stopped at his home to grab his stuff which fit neatly into two small bags and a carry-on. Jane was now working on huge-piece-of-luggage-number-three and there was no end in sight.
“We’re only shooting for a few days, babe,” he reminded her. “And yet you’ve brought enough outfits to clothe an underprivileged village and enough laxatives and valium to kill them. How many times do you expect to change in four days?”
“Don’t talk to me. Stop talking,” Jane ordered. “I need to concentrate. I always think of my typical morning routine when I pack – I go through all of the things I use and then I pack them. You’re breaking my concentration and I’m gonna forget something.”
“You’ll end up with a fucking second-hand shop in your suitcase and forget your underwear, you mean.”
“Don’t wear underwear. Don’t need to. Easy access.”
“Easy access? Is it that complicated to pull down your underwear to take a shit?!”
“No. Well, maybe,” Jane pondered aloud. “Once I was really drunk and I was wearing jeans. I had to pee in a notorious way but the jeans were really tight, the stall was really small. I fell against the door and it gave way.”
“So you fell onto a dirty bathroom floor with your pants half-way down?”
“No. I fell on top of a woman and I’d only shimmied my jeans down by my ass. The lady was pissed but only because I was using her boob as a stronghold to find my balance. Once I let go, I went back into my stall and tried again,” Jane said, shrugging. She threw another bag in front of the door. “I basically don’t wear underwear because it’s easier to have sex whenever the moment catches you. Not a lot of frills or fabric to deal with. I’m gonna have an energy drink. Want one?”
“Sure, but most importantly we need to talk to Olivia right now. You have a web cam right?” Mike asked, heading over to Jane’s computer desk. A bright pink vibrator that seemed to resemble a rabbit’s head at the end was lying right by the keyboard. He grabbed a nearby tissue, picked up the vibe and dumped it in the trash without Jane’s knowledge.
“Yup,” Jane called from the fridge. “You set it up and we’ll convince her. I’m very convincing.” She cracked her drink open and began chugging. Mike was already on the phone with their friend.
“Hi babe! Just Mike again! So happy for you and the lucky guy!” he gushed. “I’ve got something I wanna throw at you that could really help the wedding process. I’ve got Jane, your maid of honor, here with me, if you’ve got time to talk. We’d love to have a quick web chat, ok?”
Mike nodded as he listened. “Ok, we’ll see you in a few seconds, babe! Thanks!”
Jane grabbed a kitchen chair and dragged it to the desk then threw the extra energy drink at Mike who was fiddling with the camera.
“Thought I left my vibe around here…” Jane mumbled.
“There’s the wedding princess!” Mike declared as Olivia’s face appeared on the screen. Jane had to admit that her friend had that glow of “I’m either authentically in love, or I’ve been having such a boatload of delicious sex that I’m happy to mistake it for love for the next two years or so.” Her blond hair had been cut into a stylish chin-length bob that totally played up her blue eyes and strawberry complexion. Her wisps of long bangs were pushed casually to the side and her smile was huge and sparkling. I need to get my teeth whitened pronto, Jane thought.
“Hi guys! So great to see you! How are you?” Olivia squealed. “What’s this plan? Is it like a bachelorette party? We should get sloppy drunk! I’ll find a babysitter.”
“We can get sloppy, sure!” Mike said. “But here’s an idea. You know how weddings are so very expensive and the planning is enough to drive anyone insane?”
“Boy, do I ever!” Olivia said, rolling her huge, innocent eyes. Jane wondered if she had eyelash implants. “My first wedding made me want to slit my wrists! That’s why Jake and I are just totally keeping it simple. Just a backyard cookout, some of our best friend, our parents. I’m not planning to do anything!”
Jane slumped over in disappoint. No wedding planning meant no big wedding, which meant no need to document planning for a big wedding. Mike smacked her back into adult posture.
“Wow, princess, that sounds fantastic. Really great. Relaxing! How much do you think this shindig will cost? Even if you keep it simple, with all of the food, it might set you back a bit,” he said carefully.
Olivia nodded. “Well, Jake doesn’t make nearly as much as my ex. But he gets really upset when I use my matrimony payments on anything that involves just the two of us. He’s a very proud guy, you know. He wants to be able to provide for his wife and his new stepson. So I just keep all of my matrimony and child support payments in the bank for when Parker goes to college. “
“So, even if you wanted a big wedding,” Mike said slowly, “You probably wouldn’t be able to have one because of Jake’s limited income?”
Olivia shrugged. “Probably not. But it doesn’t matter to me because – “
“But it matters to me and Jane!” Mike erupted, jumping up from his seat and knocking it over. “Because we entered you in a Win-A-Wedding Contest and you WON, babygirl!”
Mike started screaming and jumping up and down, Jane followed his lead and soon Olivia was jumping and screaming. “That’s amazing guys, thanks so much! But how did you even know to enter me in the contest? Jake and I didn’t decide to get married until –“
“It’s a contest at my work,” Mike interrupted. “Super quick turnaround. But you won! My station is going to pay for every part of your wedding and we’re going to film you and Jane pulling the whole event together! It will be so exciting! And think about it – who else gets to have their entire wedding preparation FILMED?”
Jane stopped jumping and looked at her computer. Olivia’s face had gone blank. Her eyes were wide, her mouth hung open – Jane waited for some drool. The girl looked catatonic as she waited for the next emotion to register. Finally a response came.
“Oh. Mike. That sounds great, but you know I have a fear of cameras. They’re like little holes of black death. You just look at them and you get sucked in and then it pulls out your soul. You saw what happened to me when I tried to do the newscast at Emerson.”
That had been a shitshow, there was no way around that. Mike and Jane had witnessed as their sassy, cute and confident friend totally froze up the moment she looked into Camera Two.
First, it was the lack of movement and language. Then the sweat had come – too much sweat for one little co-ed. The crew had attempted to keep rolling, hoping Olivia would find her stride, but instead she vomited all over the news desk. She had crawled off the newsroom floor and had checked right in with her family’s psychologist. So began Week One of what turned into a four month long nervous breakdown and a decision to change her major to creative writing.
“We’re going to use cameras so very small that you won’t even know that they are there,” Mike assured her. “No dark hole to fall into, promise. And Jane will be able to take up a good deal of camera time. She is, after all, your maid of honor.”
“I don’t know…” Olivia said. "The black holes are so real...." Jane could see small bullets of sweat forming on her friend’s brow and upper lip.
“It’s gonna be fine!” Jane declared. “We’ll run through the whole thing when we see you, babe!”
“You’re coming here? To Ohio?”
“Today! With equipment, ourselves, and enough of Jane’s wardrobe to last a full year!” Mike said. “Ok, hon, we need to go catch our plane. I’ll text when we’re on the ground so you can direct us to your house! Love you! Bye!” Mike snapped the camera off, took a deep breath and rubbed his eyes until his face was red.
“There is a special place in hell for us,” he told Jane, opening his energy drink.
“Maybe,” she agreed. “But I will worry about that later. Let’s get to the airport. They serve drinks on the plane, right?”
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